June Gloom

I find that I decide exactly who I am far too often. It just keeps changing, and I'm always unsure of what exactly I believe.

I mean, I am generally just the same person, I just seem to change my mind about some of the ways that I feel about things so often. I hoped that my experiences would help me just keep myself in one direction, but I keep turning this way and that. The world is spinning and I'm lost.

I may have mentioned before that I am asexual. No, I do not reproduce with myself. Haha. I'm just not physically attracted to other people. Well, at least I don't think so. I've just never had a crush on anyone before. I've tried to convince myself that I do, but the truth is that it's just wishful thinking. Some of my friends have told me, "You just haven't met the right guy." I suppose that this could be true, but I just haven't met any guy that has ever wanted a relationship with me or that I wanted to have a relationship with.

Maybe I'm just afraid. I mean, look at the world we live in. Only about half of marriages succeed and I've seen the few that have and... I'm not sure that they're really happy. Is it a lot to ask for to just be happy? I think that it's all anybody wants. I just wish that I could pull it off alone, but I always find myself wondering... Wouldn't it be nice to have someone that was always there for you? That you can't wait to see? I wish that I could marry my best friend. Just because we could hang out everyday and just be happy, but what would be the point in that? We wouldn't kiss or anything like that... it'd be all kinds of wrong. Marriage usually leads to children... right?

Gah. So off topic.

I've graduated from High School. Maybe this is why I'm sort of looking at my life again and trying to decide what I really want. For a long time I wanted to be a teacher, but I don't anymore. After seeing everything that was going on with our school districts this year... it would just be hard for me to be a teacher.

I think that really I want to be involved in music. I love writing and I love music. I would love to sing, but I don't think that I have it in me. So I'd like to be a lyricist or maybe a producer or something. I want to be creative... I don't want to feel like I'm trapped in my job, but I still want to help people. One of the things that have helped me is music...

I didn't want to get married, but I guess that I can't make that sort of decision until I'm actually faced with it... there's no point in trying to hold myself back.

I'm going to try writing again. For real. I've been working on a story that Rachel and I might turn into a graphic novel and I think that it could actually get somewhere. And I'm hoping that Project Ink will actually happen and that we'll make another lit mag... It's nice to actually create something that you can hold in your hands...

I've been in a funk. Gloomy. Heh. Not really depressed... Just... Well. I feel small, I guess. I've always wanted to leave my mark and recently it just feels like I never really will. And then I start to think that I have no future. I just have to keep telling myself that I don't really know until I actually get out there and do something.

I've forgiven, but I still feel a little bitter. I'm only human.

Hopefully more to come,
Alyce

Currently Listening To:
June Gloom - Meg & Dia
(Excited for their new album!!)