Came as a Surprise...

I was checking my Blog Stats for this blog.

And holy crap! I had no idea that my blog was as popular as it actually is or that people had actually bothered to search for it! I was like, "Whoa. People actually enjoy... reading this shit? Cool!"

So on that note, I will post more often and I will try to plan out my posts more... Rather than all those "I just wanted to rant for a moment" type posts.

So here's to more well put together posts! Huzzah!

Cheers!

Alyce

The Cycle

Life is a plot that spins and spins.
Why is it so hard to accept life as it happens?
You said, “Well, it really just depends.”
I say, “Love is a circle…”
“And it never ends.”

So live in the cycle,
See if I care.
History,
I’ve had enough of my share.
So live in the cycle,
See if I care.

I’ve seen it once.
I’ve said it again.
I’ve said it once.
I’ve seen it again.
I say, “Life is a circle…”
I repeat, “and it will never end.”

Flow in the cycle, never end.
Same thing, over and over again.

Flow in the cycle, never end.
Same thing, over and over again.

So live in the cycle,
See if I care.
History, I’ve had enough of my share.
Live in the cycle,
See if I care.
So, Live in the cycle,
I won’t care.

Flow in the cycle, it won’t end.
Over,  and over, and over again.

((It is, in fact, supposed to be repetitive. Enjoy!))
Cheers!
Alyce

Don't Let It Get To You

Yo.

That's my best friend's favorite word. Just, "yo." It's so short, so simple. I mean, is yo even a real word? When did people start saying yo?

Anyway, it sort of says a lot about her. She's such a different person, and you have no idea how she got to be as who she is. She's different, and awesome, and I couldn't ask for a better friend.

Anyway. Sometimes life does things. It wants to get to your head, bring you down, or... something of the sort.

When this happens to me, I like to think of what my friend would say. She's always so clever and so funny. I love having her around. You should always keep around the people who make you happy.

If someone doesn't make you happy, you probably shouldn't keep them around. Not a good relationship.

But still, life goes on and no matter what is going on that's bringing you down... Just don't let it get to you. It's not worth it.

Throw on some music, do a little dance, and move on with your life. The more fun you have, the better it will be.

South of Eden

I hate knowing that I've let you in, only to hurt you.

No matter which way I turn, I'm the bad guy. Except for maybe from my point of view, but... No. There is still guilt.

Guilt molded by indifference. My indifference to you.

I think I'm inspired. For the first time in a very, very long time. I think my complete and total lack of feeling actually towards something caused me to feel again... Or... something.

"I wonder what you would say if I walked up to you today and confessed that I feel nothing. Well, not nothing. I do love you. As much as a friend can love someone they've known for most of their lives.

But do I smile over just knowing you're standing somewhere nearby? Do I want to be near you? Spend all my time with you?

Time is an important thing.

No. No I don't.

For a long time I was told that I was 'The Heart.' People have told me that they've never known anyone quite as empathic as I, but I doubt the truthfulness behind those words. It's impossible to understand another's heart when you lack one of your own."

Writer's... Block?

This is me, forcing myself to write.
It's been a long time, and it's starting to make me ill.

My senior year of high school, as great as it was, still had it's... Lameness. I've always prized myself on my writing, and near the beginning of the year I wrote a lot. I even became the Prose Editor of my school's literary magazine. (Who could ask for more, right? Allow me my bit of selfishness.) I think I just sort of expected to be in the magazine. I believed myself a good writer, so I thought that something I wrote would get it.

I entered five stories. Five. And I got nothing out of that.

So I've been really self conscious ever since. Maybe I just didn't push it enough? No one in my group ever gave me a real answer as to what they thought of the stories. I know that my teacher liked them, she'd read them and was later shocked upon realizing that I wasn't in the magazine.

It sort of just makes me wonder. All those things I wrote that my friends and teachers praised, were they really any good? I know that my Ad. Lit teacher mentioned that all of my teachers talked about what a great writer I am, but... Well, I don't know.

So here I am. Forcing the words. Forcing them. I haven't had to do this in a long time. They used to flow. Now they are reluctant and my stomach churns with each word I let out. Like I'm afraid. Afraid of something I really enjoy doing.

Expect a forced story soon. Probably something short and terribly lame for nothing else than to just get my mind functioning once more. If I expect to try writing as a career choice, then I seriously need to get my marbles back.

So, until then. This is Alyce signing out... or... something.

Alyce

Connected

I believe that we are connected.
But if you’ve been reading my blogs, you already know this.

I know that I somehow have something to do with that stranger that I walk past on the street. Maybe something I’ve said to a close friend once upon a time has traveled all the way to this stranger’s ears and has made some sort of a difference in their life.

You know, you can all me crazy. But this is what I believe.

So I’m writing my next story about this. I’m going to choose a few of my already written short stories and bring them together into one novel with some other new material. All these stories will be connected in one way or another.

It sort of reminds me of “Bleed” by Laurie Faria Stolarz. All the characters in that book were connected in one way or another. I loved that book. We do in fact, all bleed.

That’s all I really have to say for now. Expect some stories from my Connected Project to show up on my SeventeenthStar blog soon!

Smile,
Alyce

Listening To:
“Paper Bag” – Anna Nalick

Guitar Lessons

Yes. I am finally taking lessons. From a teacher I actually like. Haha.
My first teacher was the owner of the store that I bought my acoustic guitar from. At my first lesson he spent half the time talking to a couple of kids about... well, it doesn't really matter. He spent the other half of the time just sort of blankly staring at the wall as he spoke. The only time he looked at me was when he was looking down on me. I hated that he had an air of "I'm so much better than you." Needless to say, I didn't learn much.
Now I know that you're probably wondering who my new teacher is... (Or not, I just like to think you are to lead up to this great announcement...) It's Meg Frampton from Meg & Dia! No joke! She's my new guitar teacher! And she's great! She charges about the same as my first teacher, but I can tell that she actually wants to teach me. It's not all about the money, and I feel a lot more comfortable with her.
I can't even tell you how great it is to be learning from my idol. I never imagined this. Ever. It only makes me that much more excited to learn. Meg told me to practice for at least fifteen minutes a day and I probably practice for an hour every day now. Hahaha.
By the way, she practices for three hours a day. She said that she mostly does warm ups while watching movies, but that's still amazing. Only reminds me why I love MaD so much. Their love for music is fantastic.
That's really the most exciting thing going on in my life right now. I'll be attending college come winter semester and after I finish my generals at the community college, I'm going to SUU. I'm really excited, but sort of freaked at the same time. Whatever happens, I hope that I can continue taking lessons from Meg. After MaD tours and everything. Haha.
But music comes first, as that is what I want to do with my life, after all.
I used to want to be an English Teacher, but that was until I watched the school district turn into a sinking ship this year. It was like in Pirates of the Caribbean when the ship is sinking and Jack Sparrow gets off right before it goes under. The ship was the district, teachers, and all the students and the Seniors who graduated this year were Jack. Oh well, at least we got out before the worst of it. It still makes me sad, though. I hope to raise my kids here in Utah some day, but if the Education system is all out of whack, then... Well, that gives me second thoughts.
ANYWAY. Back to the point. My guitar lessons. I suppose my point is, I never thought that I could be taking guitar lessons from Meg Frampton, but I am. It makes me that much more optimistic towards the future, but I made it happen by actually doing something. Your luck won't change unless you put yourself out on the line. I put mine on the line (sort of) by asking MaD on their formspring if Meg would be willing to give lessons.
Lucky me. (Seriously. I feel so lucky!)
Also, luckier! Christy paid for my first lesson because she knew how much it meant to me and my father refused to pay, but he's actually changed his tune and now he's going to pay until I get a job!
Alyce's Checklist:

• Get a Job
• Sign up for College
• Redecorate my room
• Guitar Lessons (Started!)
• Piano Lessons
• Get xbox live gold
• Paint my guitar case ((<—Almost dne!
• Get a metronome
• Do a photoshoot downtown! (For REAL. All day!)
• Finish my “Music Inspired” Photo Series!

Until next time!

Alyce

 

Things you should check out:

Meg & Dia dA Fanclub!
Take a gander at some MaD inspired art!
My tumblr!
Nothing much yet, but I’m planning on making it better in time.
The New MaD Boards!
Meg & Dia fan? Dying to chat with some other MaD fans? Join the boards!
Meg & Dia's Bandcamp!
You can listen to almost any MaD song ever here. You can also buy most of their songs! Sound quality is tons better than MySpace.

 

“You’re more than a small town/You’re more than a small soul.” – ‘The One’ by Meg & Dia

Formspring

Notice that little "Ask Me Anything" box to the right over there? At the bottom, I think.

Well, you can ask me any question there and I will answer it, but I think that someone asked me a question and I didn't get to read all of it. So if you sent me a question about four or five weeks ago...

Well, here's the question. I would like to know all of it, because if it it really something that someone wants to know, I would love to answer it for them.
The Question:

"hey there:).though it was a lot of text to read,it has really worth it!(i hope my eyes won't start screaming).i'm curious who are you.no,not the adress and age answer,i want the truth...by the way,you aren't the only person in the world who has noticed ho"

So if you asked me this question, I would love to hear all of it and answer it for you. Just lemme know, alright?

-Alyce

The Little Things

I love to learn more about people. Even the most mundane things make me feel like I know a person a little bit more, that they're handing a little piece of their life over to me.

I'd love to know more about you. So here's my challenge! Either comment on this or send me a message to SeventeenthStar@gmail.com with a list, however large or small, of the most mundane things about you. Or things that most people don't know. Either because you don't mention them in normal conversation, or maybe because you just don't think of it that often.
I think that I'd like to try to make a video or something of it, so I will be making a video on my account soon asking for submissions so I can compile a video of what I think are the most mundane but interesting things about people. :)

My List:
I only eat the pink and red Starbursts. I don't like the others.
I only like peanuts in candy bars.
I tend to get obsessed with things really easily... Some past obessions are: Charmed, Michelle Branch, Hikaru Utada, Final Fantasy, Anime, and currently Meg & Dia.
My favorite show right now is Better Off Ted, but it was cancelled. :(
I'm afraid of the dark.
Whenever there's a thunderstorm, I hide in the basement because I am afraid.
I love to make friends with people that I'll probably never meet over the internet because it makes me feel special.
I really hate Rap. Except for Eminem. He's pretty cool.
I consider Fighting for Nothing by Meg & Dia to be my theme song.
I only let people that I really trust listen to MaD when we drive in my car.
My favorite color is blue, but it's that precise electric blue of the deep ocean when the sun and the weather is just right.
I think that Yellow and Orange are really obnoxious colors.
Tinkerbell gives me nightmares.
I want to write, but I really want to be a lyricist when I grow up. :3
I actually don't hate Twilight. It's decent, I just like other books a lot more.
I started reading classics because I wanted people to think I was cool and smart, now I really do love them.
I'm terrified of relationships, or anything that smells like one.
I really like chicken. It could possibly be my favorite thing ever.
I also really love rice. Give me chicken and rice, and I'm a happy girl.
I always put the lid on the toilet down before I flush because of something that someone told me when I was in the third grade.
I obsessively wash my hands.
I have bad morning breath.
Everywhere by Michelle Branch has been my favorite song for as long as I can remember. More now just for the memories it brings back.
I don't like s'mores, but I like all the ingredients for them when they're separated. :/
I love purple, it's just an awesome color. Red is cool too. Purple must be cool because it has Blue and Red, but I prefer to call it violet. Sometimes I wonder if there's a difference.
I hate to wear shoes, I think better when I'm not wearing them.
But I do like socks.
I've never been kissed.
I'm really selfish, but I'm okay with it because so is everyone else. Except for maybe my mother.
A lot of people think that I don't like Coke, but I actually do. I really can't tell the difference between Pepsi and Coke when I drink them, I just like Pepsi because the can is blue. Oh, and Pepsi is a tiny bit sweeter.
A boy told me once that he liked Meg & Dia and I seriously considered liking him. The meaning of this? Meg & Dia are a direct road to my heart.
I think that Fountain Coke is better than Fountain Pepsi.
I hate McDonald's, but love their Vanilla Cones.
I only use swear words when they're conveniently funny, otherwise I think that they just make people sound stupid.
I like to think that I know more about music (especially MaD) than other people, but I don't.

It turned into more like me telling a bunch of secrets. Hahaha. Oh, well. I think that this is good. I might add more later when they come to mind. The easiest way to do this would probably be to just write them all down in one day as they come to mind while you're going about your day.

Until we meet again,
Alyce
(Until I finally upload that video! :P)

Listening To:
Sway - The Perishers
Writing this blog makes me feel special. <3
I love it when people compliment my writing.

The Cycle

My life is a continuous cycle. I keep expecting things to change as I get older, but it just seems to be the same thing over and over again. You know how people say that history repeats itself? Well, this has proven to be true for my life time and time again.

Aren't people supposed to learn from their mistakes? It's how we grow and mature, but I really don't see anything changing... At least in the near future. I really hate being out of control of my own life. I think that I deserve to deal with my own mistakes, not those of others.

Someday I'll take myself out of the picture. Then maybe all of them can repeat history and I can finally experience something different...
Like... actual romantic feelings for a human being, maybe. Maybe I could experience love... or something.
Not that love is real or anything.

See... Here I am, second guessing myself. It's not a good habit.

Anyway, I wrote a song entitled The Cycle. I think that I've decided that I want to be a lyricist... So I could possibly find a band that's willing to try out some of my lyrics... Or just figure it out myself. I'm still learning guitar. I always feel bad about it when one of my friends comes over and they are so much better than I am...

Today was a good day. It's been a good weekend. Bentley has come back home for a visit. It's really nice to see her... Three weeks is too long.

Until we meet again,
Alyce

June Gloom

I find that I decide exactly who I am far too often. It just keeps changing, and I'm always unsure of what exactly I believe.

I mean, I am generally just the same person, I just seem to change my mind about some of the ways that I feel about things so often. I hoped that my experiences would help me just keep myself in one direction, but I keep turning this way and that. The world is spinning and I'm lost.

I may have mentioned before that I am asexual. No, I do not reproduce with myself. Haha. I'm just not physically attracted to other people. Well, at least I don't think so. I've just never had a crush on anyone before. I've tried to convince myself that I do, but the truth is that it's just wishful thinking. Some of my friends have told me, "You just haven't met the right guy." I suppose that this could be true, but I just haven't met any guy that has ever wanted a relationship with me or that I wanted to have a relationship with.

Maybe I'm just afraid. I mean, look at the world we live in. Only about half of marriages succeed and I've seen the few that have and... I'm not sure that they're really happy. Is it a lot to ask for to just be happy? I think that it's all anybody wants. I just wish that I could pull it off alone, but I always find myself wondering... Wouldn't it be nice to have someone that was always there for you? That you can't wait to see? I wish that I could marry my best friend. Just because we could hang out everyday and just be happy, but what would be the point in that? We wouldn't kiss or anything like that... it'd be all kinds of wrong. Marriage usually leads to children... right?

Gah. So off topic.

I've graduated from High School. Maybe this is why I'm sort of looking at my life again and trying to decide what I really want. For a long time I wanted to be a teacher, but I don't anymore. After seeing everything that was going on with our school districts this year... it would just be hard for me to be a teacher.

I think that really I want to be involved in music. I love writing and I love music. I would love to sing, but I don't think that I have it in me. So I'd like to be a lyricist or maybe a producer or something. I want to be creative... I don't want to feel like I'm trapped in my job, but I still want to help people. One of the things that have helped me is music...

I didn't want to get married, but I guess that I can't make that sort of decision until I'm actually faced with it... there's no point in trying to hold myself back.

I'm going to try writing again. For real. I've been working on a story that Rachel and I might turn into a graphic novel and I think that it could actually get somewhere. And I'm hoping that Project Ink will actually happen and that we'll make another lit mag... It's nice to actually create something that you can hold in your hands...

I've been in a funk. Gloomy. Heh. Not really depressed... Just... Well. I feel small, I guess. I've always wanted to leave my mark and recently it just feels like I never really will. And then I start to think that I have no future. I just have to keep telling myself that I don't really know until I actually get out there and do something.

I've forgiven, but I still feel a little bitter. I'm only human.

Hopefully more to come,
Alyce

Currently Listening To:
June Gloom - Meg & Dia
(Excited for their new album!!)

Fallback

I feel like all I ever do is change.

Well, not really myself. More like my mind. I make a decision, say that I'll stick with it and then a few months later I've changed my mind... then I'm unsure.

I used to believe that everyone deserved a second chance. That was until I went through a big change in my life and learned a lot about people.
So I made the choice to keep someone "unhealthy" for me at a distance.
I still think that I made the right choice and I wouldn't change it for anything. It gave me room to grow and learn more about myself as well as form new relationships and strengthen old ones. I feel like I'm a much better person because of it and I've also been more open to see more than just one side of any situation.

I mean... It's nice to think for yourself. It's still hard for me to believe, even now, that I wasn't being myself. I've always wanted to be everyone's friend, it's difficult to believe that I would push everyone away just because I was told that... that person was obnoxious, or mean, or some other friggen excuse.

Anyway, I've started to let some people back into my life and so far it hasn't really brought much change, other than I feel a little uneasy when I think about it.

And then there's graduation. I come home every day, lock myself in my room, and just spend time wallowing. I just love everyone so much. Bingham has been so great to me, I'm going to miss it a lot.
I'm happy that I'm getting older, and that soon I'll be able to live my own life, I just can't help but wish that I'll see all of my friends again when I'm older... Even though I know that I won't.

Hence the video camera. I don't know if anyone has noticed, but I keep it around a lot. I realize that I film some of the most random things, but it's because I want that memory (as small as it may be) to keep...
I've never had a very good memory.
I forget a lot of things.
It's sort of sad.

But I'm working on letters to give to a lot of my friends come graduation time. Chances are that if you're reading this, you will receive one. No big deal or anything, just a little letter concerning how amazing you are and how much I'll miss you and how amazing I know that you're life will be...
All my friends are so talented. ^^

Chalk the Walk soon! Hopefully I'll put up some pictures!! Miranda R. and Rachel (Nova) are in my group! It's gonna be fawesome. :D

Love,
Alyce

10 People

My friend Hilary ranted about ten people in her blog and I felt inspired… Time for some rant-age!!

1. I don’t see you very often, but I wonder if you know how much I think about you? I’ve known you for such a long time, and after not speaking with you for awhile I’m glad that we can act as if nothing has changed. I love that I can still smile and laugh with you about the little things. I love that even after all this time we still have a connection, but I wish that you had kept hold of your life. You had so much potential. It still hurts to know how much you threw away.

2. You are beautiful. Classic beauty, but you’re also deliciously mischievous. I love spending time with you. I love that by some great leaps and bounds that we became good friends. I love how things went from extremely awkward to the way they are now, as if we’ve been friends all our lives. I find myself always wishing to know more about you. I spill my guts and all you do is smile and be reassuring. I wish that I could do something for you in the way that you helped me. Sometimes I wonder what you would say if I told you that you saved my life. Out of everyone I know, I know that you will go on to do the most.

3. I miss being friends with you. I mean, we’re still friends, but where did all the laughter go? Sometimes I wonder if I was nothing but a charity case for you. Someone to make you feel good about yourself, but I still think that you cared. You seem so distant now. Whenever I’m with you, you’re always texting someone else. I miss when our friendship was easy, when I knew just what to say and do to make you laugh.

4. You drive me insane, but you always have. We have such different views on life, on religion, even on who really won the Battle of Gettysburg. You’re so stubborn and so arrogant, but you’re also very thoughtful and you know me too well. Sometimes I lie to you. What is it about you that always makes me feel like I’m such a failure? What is it about you that makes me feel like I’m such a terrible friend? I don’t see you anymore, even though you are so close, I miss feeling so frustrated. Do me a favor? Just give me a hint that you still know that I’m alive.

5. I feel like I barely know you, but I can’t help but love you. You’re beautiful, but I feel like you’re falling apart. I just want to hold you together. I just want to help you. I just want to feel like you care about me. I’ve shared such a huge part of my life with you, and you’ve shared some of yours with me. I want to be there for you, always. I want to be the one stable thing in your life.

6. You make me feel inadequate, but you keep telling me how great I’m doing. I always feel like you’re so proud of me, but I can’t help but feel like your sidekick. You believe in me, even though you’ve mentioned you know that I won’t go very far. “But you’ll be happy,” you said, and I really believe that. Thank you for always being honest with me, thank you for pulling me through and for helping me see the resolution to every issue.

7. I don’t know you, but I feel like I do. You will never read this, and no matter how much I want it… We will never be friends. We’ve met maybe twice, but I feel this crazy connection with you. I wish that I could have a real conversation with you, and I wish that I could help you through those sleepless nights. I want to tell you that I understand, and that I’m here if you need someone to lean on. I would love to be your friend.

8. Your life seems so simple, even though I know it’s not. You stress about boys and the little things… I just want to tell you that there’s so much more to life. We’ve never been extremely close, but you’ve given me the greatest gift ever. Thanks for bringing even more light into my life.

9. You are so far away. I never get to talk to you anymore. It’s funny, I never realized how much you meant to me until you left. I never thought that we were as close as we are until I read your letter the first time I left. I don’t think that anyone knows me as well as you do. You are so bright, so smart, and so caring. I want to be where you are because without you there is a major part of my life missing. You are the most responsible person that I’ve ever known, and I wish that you were my older sister. I wish that you were always here to look out for me. You are so strong and you know so much, while having experienced so little. I love you and I’m proud to call you my friend.

10. You haunt me. Every word you ever said flows through the back of my mind. I second guess everything I do, every movement I make, every little thing that I say. You hold me back. You manipulate my mind. You’ve almost molded me into what you want me to be. I won’t be afraid anymore, I won’t let you hold me back. I won’t let you win. I wish that we could stop pretending that we were never friends.

That was me trying to be vague. I guess that we’ll see how well that works out.

Love,
Alyce

The Letter I Might Send

Sup.

Haha. Not sure where I’m going with this blog, I think that it’s more of just a quick update than anything else. I’m trying to figure out what to write for an Occasional Paper for my Creative Writing class and I’m hoping that this will get the juices flowing. (An Occasional Paper is a paper written on occasion. It can be about anything and written at any time. The only deadline is before the end of the quarter. Also, you have to read it aloud to the class. I might post a few of mine up here…)

Remember that letter in my last post? I was thinking of writing one to actually send to that person. One that’s a little less… dramatic? I’m not going to lie, it’s a tad bit embellished, but as my Editor-In-Chief and friend always says, “Life was boring, so I embellished.” Haha. Sara is so awesome. I was super glad when our Creative Writing teacher announced that she was going to be the editor for the school’s literary magazine this year…

But anyway… Back to that letter. I was thinking of writing one to that person, to finally get it all out of my system… But I think that I’m scared of how she’ll react. I sort of just want to say something like, “I’m tired of pretending that we don’t have a history, but I also don’t want to go back to that. I want to be friends, but I don’t ever want anything like that to happen again. And you better be darn nice or I’m gonna crack your skull.”
Okay… So maybe without the skull cracking.
I just… feel bad for her…
Cutting her out of my life…
I’m happier now, but I’ve always just wanted everyone to be happy… why can’t there be some sort of happy compromise?

Not to mention I think that she’s been twisting the truth when she tells people. Sure, I made my share of mistakes, but so did she. Why does she get the right to make herself the victim when she brought it all on herself?
I’m not really the victim, either.
There doesn’t really need to be a victim, I think. We just need to move on. It happened, and life keeps going.

I think mostly I’m trying to get my thoughts together. They never make much sense in my mind. It jumps around so crazily and I never know how I get from one thing to another.

Anyway. I’m going to add a little happiness note:
Today I finally put up all the stars that my friends signed for me on my birthday. I can’t thank Kelsey enough for her thoughtfulness in getting everyone to sign them for me. They add a lot of color to my closet doors next to my signed Meg & Dia posters and the little things that my friends have drawn for me over the years. I love it, it looks super busy but I find it sort of relaxing. It makes me smile every time I look over. It’s like… These people care for me, and whenever I’m in my room, I can be reminded of that. Reminded that people care. That’s always nice.

That’s pretty much it for now. I’m going to take pictures of my closet doors soon so I can share the awesomeness of my Friend Constellation with the world, but my cards are full with my cousin’s wedding pictures. :P

I feel like thanking you, so I shall!
Thank ye,
Alyce

Listening To:

Jai Ho (You Are My Destiny)
Slumdog Millionaire

An Occasional Rant - The Letter I Will Never Send

This is my negative rant. I frown upon negativity, but I simply feel the need to be negative tonight. So feel free to not read this if you'd rather keep my negativity and whining out of your life.
The following is a letter that I will never send. Me being brutally honest and maybe even... embellishing a bit.
Dear Paris McFargle, (fake name for personal reasons)
After all this time, you've still managed to convince yourself that you are the victim.
I wasted three years of my life trying to save you while you did nothing but push me down.
I cared about you. I didn't want to tear you out of my life. I didn't want to have to forget all of the great memories. More bad than good, it seems now, but that doesn't change the fact that there were still some good ones.
You like to blame me and the people I care about, the people that are helping me recover from all the damage that you caused. How can you really believe that you are the victim in all of this?
I really have heard it all.
I cringe when you make sudden movements. I'm afraid to speak when you're around. I feel sick and pathetic when you are around. I am waiting for another blow. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Crack. Crack. Crack.
My life is a constellation. At one point, you were a star. I loved you just as I loved the others, but you turned into a black hole. You turned into a black hole and insisted on taking away all the rest of the light.
You're still there. The other stars shine ever brighter than they did before, but there you are up in the sky above me... Trying to soak away all of the light.
Just give up. It's too much. Too much light for you to handle.
I won’t let you bring me down again. I’m different now, better. Selfish.

I am the Heart. Do you hear me? I am compassion. I am understanding. I am like a knife. I am a cannon and I will shoot you down if you even dare to try it again. I will cut the last part of you out of my life if you even dare mutter another lie about my best friends.

I wish that I could move on. I wish that you could too. I hate that I care so much, but also at the same time… I hate that I care so little. I hate how easy it was to push you away in the beginning, and I hate that it got harder as time went on.
But I am stronger than you’ll ever be.
I am a much greater person that I’ve ever been.

Don’t ever touch me again. The next bruise won’t be so hidden. I won’t refrain anymore from fighting back.

So go on. Hit me. See if you can get away with it.

I’m not to be taken advantage of. I am not to be trifled with.

But I am happy, and I thank you. Because if you hadn’t done what you did… I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. I wouldn’t have the amazing friends that I have now. Chances are that someone else would’ve tried doing the same thing.

So thanks, for being a selfish bitch.

If you need something, I am here for you.
Alyce

My Life is Average

Yesterday, someone told me that she got into USU and I promptly told her that it is Open Enrollment. She did not approve. MLIA

Valentine’s Day

I’ve decided that most holidays are what you make of them.

Most people either love or hate Valentine’s Day, but I don’t think that I’ve ever really minded it too much.

My mom used to ring our doorbell and run away. I’d go to the door and sitting on the doorstep would be a small package with my name on it. Usually it was a CD or something, but I always knew that it was from her.

It’s hard to hate a holiday where you get free stuff.

Not to mention the fact that since the beginning of high school, I’ve started passing out chocolate to strangers in the hallways…
I just enjoy making people happy… So I like giving random people presents.

I didn’t used to enjoy Thanksgiving too much…
But I like food…
And sometimes Christmas wasn’t too fun…
But White Elephant makes everything better. :P

Don’t let it get to you.
Maybe you’re alone for Valentine’s Day, but… At least all those people that have somebody are happy… So you should be happy for those people.
As for me, I prefer to think of Valentine’s Day as my excuse to steal chocolate from my friends.
And it’ll stay like that for the rest of my life.
But at least I will always have chocolate.

Alyce

Currently Watching:

Kodocha: Season 1 Box Set :)

Selflessness is a Mistake

Sometimes you hurt more people by being selfless than by being selfish.

This thought came to me today. It’s hard to do what you think is right when it hurts yourself… and a lot of other people in the process. I’ve come to realize that this summer I became a much better person and this is because… I am a little more selfish. Funny. I had never thought that actually caring about myself could make so many people happy.

Because when you let someone take advantage of you, you’re really hurting all of the people that really care about you.

I make people smile all the time now.

On Friday someone said to me, “Every time I see you, I smile. You’ve made my day twice today…”

It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I’m doing what I’m actually meant to do. Because my job is to make people happy.

I am the Seventeenth Star, after all.

So in the words of Dia Frampton “Make a resume… all the things that make up who you are.”

So make a list of all the reasons why it’s okay for you to be a little selfish.

Why you should love you.

Why other people should love you.

(Link To Dia's Blog!)

Here’s the beginnings of my list:

• I love to make people smile.
• I have pretty good grammar.
• I’m a decent writer.
• I have good taste in music.
• I have a lot of friends.
• I am eccentric.
• I write this to try and make my reader’s happy, to make me happy. I am being selflessly selfish and THAT makes me awesome.

Make your list! Love thyself! But don’t forget your friends and family, too. Hehe.

 

Until we meet again under the blue moon,

Alyce

As The World Spins

This title is funny to me because I'm sick.
Every time I stand up, everything spins.

I finally got bored of just lying in bed and decided to try some writing. I have to write something for my school's literary magazine because I'm on the staff so I figured that I could write something pretty good while I'm still delirious. By the way... I'm the prose editor of the school's lit mag. I was super excited when I found out. I think that I was the only person who celebrated when they found out what job they got. Everyone else was very quiet, but I forced my friend Ethan to celebrate with me in the back of the classroom. He was really too distracted by this contest thing that he was working on to really care, but I still enjoyed my little party.

Anyway, so after I write this I'll try to write something for the magazine... I'm not really sure what I'll write at this point, but that's why I'm typing this blog. To get the juices flowing.

But it's sort of hard to think when I'm this hungry...

I have photoshop and a new laptop. This means that I can once again pick up photography. I couldn't really before because my computer had far too much stuff on it so it wouldn't let me edit photos... But now that I have the laptop and PhotoShop CS4... Muahahaha. I'm excited. I wanted to go downtown this weekend to take pictures. We'll see how that works out.

Can I just express how awesome this year has been? I mean my senior year, not exactly 2010... Well, 2010 has been better, too. I love all of my classes, my friends, I'm even happy with my family. It's been decided that Junior year just suuuucks. Everyone I talked to hated their Junior year of high school. Except for my mom, she enjoyed all of high school.

My ipod has pretty much officially died. I can listen to it at night and early in the morning, but by lunch time when I go to the grocery store to get chicken, it freezes and stops working. I restart it and it still helps nothing. This makes me very sad considering that my computer just bit the dust and now my ipod has. My mom is letting me use my dad's, though. I was really getting sick of listening to the Veronica Mars soundtrack... It's the only CD that I keep in my car and I refuse to listen to the radio.

Something else random... I was on the cover of the last issue of our school's newspaper and this time I have an article on the inside... I'm not even on staff. Haha. I had no idea that I was going to be in the newspaper. It's an article on itunes, digital music, and the death of CDs. I wrote it for my Government class as a letter to the editor of the Salt Lake Tribune... Next thing I knew, it was in our school's newspaper. Too bad they spelled my name wrong. :P

I don't know if I've ever talked about Christina before, but we were best friends through elementary school and through Middle School. She went to a private school in eighth grade and... I sort of lost her. Not just her, but her family too. Her little brothers and sisters were a lot like my own siblings. And after she went to that other school, she made a few bad decisions and I didn't see much of any of them...
I saw her a few times...
In and out of rehab...
With this boyfriend, with that one...
She even went to my high school for awhile...
Which was hard for me...
I cried a lot.

She was always worth so much more than she made herself out to be.
I surround myself with talented people because I am not talented.
I'm just good at being a friend, I suppose.
And writing. I guess that I'm good at writing.

Christy finally moved back with her family recently. I saw her for the first time in a good while yesterday and... It was very nice. It like like elementary school all over again. I had my best friend back, even her family. I visited her family and they all seemed really happy to see me... I was really happy to see her brothers and sisters. They've grown. It was weird. I'm happy that they all remembered me. Jacob still hadn't changed. Zach was taller, but he was just the same too. Misty is... making things hard on herself, but she seems to be fine. Courtney is just as I remembered her, but she was wearing much less purple. And Brandy was as quiet as ever, but still as sweet.
Her parents were the same too. Her dad was on the computer playing some game. He was always a computer wiz. And her mom was watching some millionaire version of the bachelor. Which made me laugh. It was nice to see everything functioning... It was a little quiet now that the kids are older, but nothing had really changed that much.
I was happy that I cried on the way home.
I had my best friend back.

Of course, I still have Rachel and Lulu. They're my best friends too. I hope that maybe the four of us can all do stuff together.

I finished Mass Effect 2. I kept everyone alive. I am awesome. And so is the game.

I really think that that's all... I went to see a Sundance movie... Homewrecker. It was really funny. I liked it.
I also saw Sherlock Holmes. Awesome.

Heheh.

Until we meet again under the blue moon,
Alyce


Oh, and. The Stars. On my birthday. It was one of the best days ever. My friend Kelsey had a bunch of people sign their names on little colored paper stars and she put them in an envelope and that said, "Alyce's Constellation" on it... When she handed it to me in front of my theatre class, I just about cried. I felt myself tearing up and had to try REALLY hard not to cry. Best birthday present I've ever gotten.

So thank you everyone. Thank you.

Especially Kelsey. :P

The Hunger Games

Have you ever realized while reading a book that this author must have been watching your nightmares?

Yesterday in my sixth period my adolescent literature teacher lent me the book The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I started to read it during class and was immediately enthralled. I was attached to that book for the rest of the day and from the minute I got home until eleven that night, I devoured the novel. I finally had to go to bed at one point, but finished the last three pages in my AP French class this morning.

It was incredible. I don't think that I've ever cried so much while reading a book, and I read a lot of books.

It was like someone took all of my worst fears. The nightmares that I've been having over and over again and written them down beautifully into a novel. It was almost therapeutic for me, reading it. I feel utterly calm now. I even had the same nightmare again, but instead of being completely terrible... There was laughter. Nice laughter. Even my best friend's sock monkey was in the dream. It was on the verge of a dream. I miss those. Not that I've ever had many of them.

I suggest that you read it. It's written in first person present tense which reminds me of one of my favorite novels A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray.

I wanted to get the sequel today, but my teacher didn't have it. "Tomorrow," she said, "Tomorrow morning." I find myself itching to read book two. She says that the second is even better... I find that hard to believe.

So read The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins and let me know what you think. I've been dying to talk to someone about it.

Until we meet again under the blue moon,
Alyce

Birthday II

I totally fogot to mention that my friends are going to all wear stars on my birthday. I'm excited.

It's symbolic. A metaphor?

My life is a constellation. My friends, family, memories, experiences... They make up the constellation. They're the stars.

Not to mention that I just like stars.

So for anyone who cares or for anybody that just wants to feel connected to someone else. Wear stars on monday. Or draw a star on your hand. Tape or pin one to your shirt.
And when people ask you why...
Tell them that you're part of a constellation.
Tell them that you're a star. That you bring light to somebodies life.
Whether it be mine, or a friend's, or a sibling's, a parent's, a lover's... It doesn't matter. The fact is that somewhere out there you make SOMEONE happy.
And because of that, you are connected to that person.
And they're connected to someone else.
And somehow... You are connected to me.

So when people give you a strange look, or maybe they'll smile.
Just remember that you're a part of something. You're connected.

Anyway. That's pretty much it.

If someone that I don't know or don't see during my day wears stars... Send me a picture. :)

Until we meet again under the blue moon,
Alyce :)

Birthday

My birthday is on Monday. February 1st. It's sort of crazy, thinking about it.

In six days I cannot legally beat someone up.
Is it bad of me to want to hit someone? I've just never really hit a person... Excuse me for wanting to experience things!
Haha, anyway. I just thought that I should give my seven followers a quick update. I promise to write something more meaningful in the near future, it's just late right now and I need food.

I saw the Princess and the Frog today. Loved it. If you like Disney movies you should see it.
I'm working on writing a song. We'll see how this'll work out. The lyrics are nearing their end, but I'm waiting to post them here for when they're mostly perfect.
I've joined a band. Kind of. Me, Lulu, and Nova. It's pretty awesome. We'll either call ourselves Blue Alien Syndrome or Project Ink. I like Project Ink more, easier for people who don't know BAS to relate to, but we'll see if I'm out voted or if we come up with something new.

"Why does poetry does pour out of you?"
Nova asked me this question today.
The Answer: It doesn't. Sometimes when it's late and I'm struggling to sleep... My mind won't shut off. Phrases run through my mind, so I save them on a note on my phone and come back to them later. Short phrases, sometimes they don't make sense. But I have to read them over and over again until a tiny bit more comes to me. It takes me hours to come up with anything... Well, anything worthwhile. And I don't have many poems...

Guitar is going alright, still trying to teach myself due to some problems that I have with my teacher. (The guy is going to be gone for four weeks. @.@)

Until we meet again under the blue moon,
Alyce
SeventeenthStar