An Occasional Rant - The Letter I Will Never Send

This is my negative rant. I frown upon negativity, but I simply feel the need to be negative tonight. So feel free to not read this if you'd rather keep my negativity and whining out of your life.
The following is a letter that I will never send. Me being brutally honest and maybe even... embellishing a bit.
Dear Paris McFargle, (fake name for personal reasons)
After all this time, you've still managed to convince yourself that you are the victim.
I wasted three years of my life trying to save you while you did nothing but push me down.
I cared about you. I didn't want to tear you out of my life. I didn't want to have to forget all of the great memories. More bad than good, it seems now, but that doesn't change the fact that there were still some good ones.
You like to blame me and the people I care about, the people that are helping me recover from all the damage that you caused. How can you really believe that you are the victim in all of this?
I really have heard it all.
I cringe when you make sudden movements. I'm afraid to speak when you're around. I feel sick and pathetic when you are around. I am waiting for another blow. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Crack. Crack. Crack.
My life is a constellation. At one point, you were a star. I loved you just as I loved the others, but you turned into a black hole. You turned into a black hole and insisted on taking away all the rest of the light.
You're still there. The other stars shine ever brighter than they did before, but there you are up in the sky above me... Trying to soak away all of the light.
Just give up. It's too much. Too much light for you to handle.
I won’t let you bring me down again. I’m different now, better. Selfish.

I am the Heart. Do you hear me? I am compassion. I am understanding. I am like a knife. I am a cannon and I will shoot you down if you even dare to try it again. I will cut the last part of you out of my life if you even dare mutter another lie about my best friends.

I wish that I could move on. I wish that you could too. I hate that I care so much, but also at the same time… I hate that I care so little. I hate how easy it was to push you away in the beginning, and I hate that it got harder as time went on.
But I am stronger than you’ll ever be.
I am a much greater person that I’ve ever been.

Don’t ever touch me again. The next bruise won’t be so hidden. I won’t refrain anymore from fighting back.

So go on. Hit me. See if you can get away with it.

I’m not to be taken advantage of. I am not to be trifled with.

But I am happy, and I thank you. Because if you hadn’t done what you did… I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. I wouldn’t have the amazing friends that I have now. Chances are that someone else would’ve tried doing the same thing.

So thanks, for being a selfish bitch.

If you need something, I am here for you.
Alyce

My Life is Average

Yesterday, someone told me that she got into USU and I promptly told her that it is Open Enrollment. She did not approve. MLIA

Valentine’s Day

I’ve decided that most holidays are what you make of them.

Most people either love or hate Valentine’s Day, but I don’t think that I’ve ever really minded it too much.

My mom used to ring our doorbell and run away. I’d go to the door and sitting on the doorstep would be a small package with my name on it. Usually it was a CD or something, but I always knew that it was from her.

It’s hard to hate a holiday where you get free stuff.

Not to mention the fact that since the beginning of high school, I’ve started passing out chocolate to strangers in the hallways…
I just enjoy making people happy… So I like giving random people presents.

I didn’t used to enjoy Thanksgiving too much…
But I like food…
And sometimes Christmas wasn’t too fun…
But White Elephant makes everything better. :P

Don’t let it get to you.
Maybe you’re alone for Valentine’s Day, but… At least all those people that have somebody are happy… So you should be happy for those people.
As for me, I prefer to think of Valentine’s Day as my excuse to steal chocolate from my friends.
And it’ll stay like that for the rest of my life.
But at least I will always have chocolate.

Alyce

Currently Watching:

Kodocha: Season 1 Box Set :)

Selflessness is a Mistake

Sometimes you hurt more people by being selfless than by being selfish.

This thought came to me today. It’s hard to do what you think is right when it hurts yourself… and a lot of other people in the process. I’ve come to realize that this summer I became a much better person and this is because… I am a little more selfish. Funny. I had never thought that actually caring about myself could make so many people happy.

Because when you let someone take advantage of you, you’re really hurting all of the people that really care about you.

I make people smile all the time now.

On Friday someone said to me, “Every time I see you, I smile. You’ve made my day twice today…”

It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I’m doing what I’m actually meant to do. Because my job is to make people happy.

I am the Seventeenth Star, after all.

So in the words of Dia Frampton “Make a resume… all the things that make up who you are.”

So make a list of all the reasons why it’s okay for you to be a little selfish.

Why you should love you.

Why other people should love you.

(Link To Dia's Blog!)

Here’s the beginnings of my list:

• I love to make people smile.
• I have pretty good grammar.
• I’m a decent writer.
• I have good taste in music.
• I have a lot of friends.
• I am eccentric.
• I write this to try and make my reader’s happy, to make me happy. I am being selflessly selfish and THAT makes me awesome.

Make your list! Love thyself! But don’t forget your friends and family, too. Hehe.

 

Until we meet again under the blue moon,

Alyce

As The World Spins

This title is funny to me because I'm sick.
Every time I stand up, everything spins.

I finally got bored of just lying in bed and decided to try some writing. I have to write something for my school's literary magazine because I'm on the staff so I figured that I could write something pretty good while I'm still delirious. By the way... I'm the prose editor of the school's lit mag. I was super excited when I found out. I think that I was the only person who celebrated when they found out what job they got. Everyone else was very quiet, but I forced my friend Ethan to celebrate with me in the back of the classroom. He was really too distracted by this contest thing that he was working on to really care, but I still enjoyed my little party.

Anyway, so after I write this I'll try to write something for the magazine... I'm not really sure what I'll write at this point, but that's why I'm typing this blog. To get the juices flowing.

But it's sort of hard to think when I'm this hungry...

I have photoshop and a new laptop. This means that I can once again pick up photography. I couldn't really before because my computer had far too much stuff on it so it wouldn't let me edit photos... But now that I have the laptop and PhotoShop CS4... Muahahaha. I'm excited. I wanted to go downtown this weekend to take pictures. We'll see how that works out.

Can I just express how awesome this year has been? I mean my senior year, not exactly 2010... Well, 2010 has been better, too. I love all of my classes, my friends, I'm even happy with my family. It's been decided that Junior year just suuuucks. Everyone I talked to hated their Junior year of high school. Except for my mom, she enjoyed all of high school.

My ipod has pretty much officially died. I can listen to it at night and early in the morning, but by lunch time when I go to the grocery store to get chicken, it freezes and stops working. I restart it and it still helps nothing. This makes me very sad considering that my computer just bit the dust and now my ipod has. My mom is letting me use my dad's, though. I was really getting sick of listening to the Veronica Mars soundtrack... It's the only CD that I keep in my car and I refuse to listen to the radio.

Something else random... I was on the cover of the last issue of our school's newspaper and this time I have an article on the inside... I'm not even on staff. Haha. I had no idea that I was going to be in the newspaper. It's an article on itunes, digital music, and the death of CDs. I wrote it for my Government class as a letter to the editor of the Salt Lake Tribune... Next thing I knew, it was in our school's newspaper. Too bad they spelled my name wrong. :P

I don't know if I've ever talked about Christina before, but we were best friends through elementary school and through Middle School. She went to a private school in eighth grade and... I sort of lost her. Not just her, but her family too. Her little brothers and sisters were a lot like my own siblings. And after she went to that other school, she made a few bad decisions and I didn't see much of any of them...
I saw her a few times...
In and out of rehab...
With this boyfriend, with that one...
She even went to my high school for awhile...
Which was hard for me...
I cried a lot.

She was always worth so much more than she made herself out to be.
I surround myself with talented people because I am not talented.
I'm just good at being a friend, I suppose.
And writing. I guess that I'm good at writing.

Christy finally moved back with her family recently. I saw her for the first time in a good while yesterday and... It was very nice. It like like elementary school all over again. I had my best friend back, even her family. I visited her family and they all seemed really happy to see me... I was really happy to see her brothers and sisters. They've grown. It was weird. I'm happy that they all remembered me. Jacob still hadn't changed. Zach was taller, but he was just the same too. Misty is... making things hard on herself, but she seems to be fine. Courtney is just as I remembered her, but she was wearing much less purple. And Brandy was as quiet as ever, but still as sweet.
Her parents were the same too. Her dad was on the computer playing some game. He was always a computer wiz. And her mom was watching some millionaire version of the bachelor. Which made me laugh. It was nice to see everything functioning... It was a little quiet now that the kids are older, but nothing had really changed that much.
I was happy that I cried on the way home.
I had my best friend back.

Of course, I still have Rachel and Lulu. They're my best friends too. I hope that maybe the four of us can all do stuff together.

I finished Mass Effect 2. I kept everyone alive. I am awesome. And so is the game.

I really think that that's all... I went to see a Sundance movie... Homewrecker. It was really funny. I liked it.
I also saw Sherlock Holmes. Awesome.

Heheh.

Until we meet again under the blue moon,
Alyce


Oh, and. The Stars. On my birthday. It was one of the best days ever. My friend Kelsey had a bunch of people sign their names on little colored paper stars and she put them in an envelope and that said, "Alyce's Constellation" on it... When she handed it to me in front of my theatre class, I just about cried. I felt myself tearing up and had to try REALLY hard not to cry. Best birthday present I've ever gotten.

So thank you everyone. Thank you.

Especially Kelsey. :P

The Hunger Games

Have you ever realized while reading a book that this author must have been watching your nightmares?

Yesterday in my sixth period my adolescent literature teacher lent me the book The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins. I started to read it during class and was immediately enthralled. I was attached to that book for the rest of the day and from the minute I got home until eleven that night, I devoured the novel. I finally had to go to bed at one point, but finished the last three pages in my AP French class this morning.

It was incredible. I don't think that I've ever cried so much while reading a book, and I read a lot of books.

It was like someone took all of my worst fears. The nightmares that I've been having over and over again and written them down beautifully into a novel. It was almost therapeutic for me, reading it. I feel utterly calm now. I even had the same nightmare again, but instead of being completely terrible... There was laughter. Nice laughter. Even my best friend's sock monkey was in the dream. It was on the verge of a dream. I miss those. Not that I've ever had many of them.

I suggest that you read it. It's written in first person present tense which reminds me of one of my favorite novels A Great and Terrible Beauty by Libba Bray.

I wanted to get the sequel today, but my teacher didn't have it. "Tomorrow," she said, "Tomorrow morning." I find myself itching to read book two. She says that the second is even better... I find that hard to believe.

So read The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins and let me know what you think. I've been dying to talk to someone about it.

Until we meet again under the blue moon,
Alyce

Birthday II

I totally fogot to mention that my friends are going to all wear stars on my birthday. I'm excited.

It's symbolic. A metaphor?

My life is a constellation. My friends, family, memories, experiences... They make up the constellation. They're the stars.

Not to mention that I just like stars.

So for anyone who cares or for anybody that just wants to feel connected to someone else. Wear stars on monday. Or draw a star on your hand. Tape or pin one to your shirt.
And when people ask you why...
Tell them that you're part of a constellation.
Tell them that you're a star. That you bring light to somebodies life.
Whether it be mine, or a friend's, or a sibling's, a parent's, a lover's... It doesn't matter. The fact is that somewhere out there you make SOMEONE happy.
And because of that, you are connected to that person.
And they're connected to someone else.
And somehow... You are connected to me.

So when people give you a strange look, or maybe they'll smile.
Just remember that you're a part of something. You're connected.

Anyway. That's pretty much it.

If someone that I don't know or don't see during my day wears stars... Send me a picture. :)

Until we meet again under the blue moon,
Alyce :)