10 People

My friend Hilary ranted about ten people in her blog and I felt inspired… Time for some rant-age!!

1. I don’t see you very often, but I wonder if you know how much I think about you? I’ve known you for such a long time, and after not speaking with you for awhile I’m glad that we can act as if nothing has changed. I love that I can still smile and laugh with you about the little things. I love that even after all this time we still have a connection, but I wish that you had kept hold of your life. You had so much potential. It still hurts to know how much you threw away.

2. You are beautiful. Classic beauty, but you’re also deliciously mischievous. I love spending time with you. I love that by some great leaps and bounds that we became good friends. I love how things went from extremely awkward to the way they are now, as if we’ve been friends all our lives. I find myself always wishing to know more about you. I spill my guts and all you do is smile and be reassuring. I wish that I could do something for you in the way that you helped me. Sometimes I wonder what you would say if I told you that you saved my life. Out of everyone I know, I know that you will go on to do the most.

3. I miss being friends with you. I mean, we’re still friends, but where did all the laughter go? Sometimes I wonder if I was nothing but a charity case for you. Someone to make you feel good about yourself, but I still think that you cared. You seem so distant now. Whenever I’m with you, you’re always texting someone else. I miss when our friendship was easy, when I knew just what to say and do to make you laugh.

4. You drive me insane, but you always have. We have such different views on life, on religion, even on who really won the Battle of Gettysburg. You’re so stubborn and so arrogant, but you’re also very thoughtful and you know me too well. Sometimes I lie to you. What is it about you that always makes me feel like I’m such a failure? What is it about you that makes me feel like I’m such a terrible friend? I don’t see you anymore, even though you are so close, I miss feeling so frustrated. Do me a favor? Just give me a hint that you still know that I’m alive.

5. I feel like I barely know you, but I can’t help but love you. You’re beautiful, but I feel like you’re falling apart. I just want to hold you together. I just want to help you. I just want to feel like you care about me. I’ve shared such a huge part of my life with you, and you’ve shared some of yours with me. I want to be there for you, always. I want to be the one stable thing in your life.

6. You make me feel inadequate, but you keep telling me how great I’m doing. I always feel like you’re so proud of me, but I can’t help but feel like your sidekick. You believe in me, even though you’ve mentioned you know that I won’t go very far. “But you’ll be happy,” you said, and I really believe that. Thank you for always being honest with me, thank you for pulling me through and for helping me see the resolution to every issue.

7. I don’t know you, but I feel like I do. You will never read this, and no matter how much I want it… We will never be friends. We’ve met maybe twice, but I feel this crazy connection with you. I wish that I could have a real conversation with you, and I wish that I could help you through those sleepless nights. I want to tell you that I understand, and that I’m here if you need someone to lean on. I would love to be your friend.

8. Your life seems so simple, even though I know it’s not. You stress about boys and the little things… I just want to tell you that there’s so much more to life. We’ve never been extremely close, but you’ve given me the greatest gift ever. Thanks for bringing even more light into my life.

9. You are so far away. I never get to talk to you anymore. It’s funny, I never realized how much you meant to me until you left. I never thought that we were as close as we are until I read your letter the first time I left. I don’t think that anyone knows me as well as you do. You are so bright, so smart, and so caring. I want to be where you are because without you there is a major part of my life missing. You are the most responsible person that I’ve ever known, and I wish that you were my older sister. I wish that you were always here to look out for me. You are so strong and you know so much, while having experienced so little. I love you and I’m proud to call you my friend.

10. You haunt me. Every word you ever said flows through the back of my mind. I second guess everything I do, every movement I make, every little thing that I say. You hold me back. You manipulate my mind. You’ve almost molded me into what you want me to be. I won’t be afraid anymore, I won’t let you hold me back. I won’t let you win. I wish that we could stop pretending that we were never friends.

That was me trying to be vague. I guess that we’ll see how well that works out.

Love,
Alyce

The Letter I Might Send

Sup.

Haha. Not sure where I’m going with this blog, I think that it’s more of just a quick update than anything else. I’m trying to figure out what to write for an Occasional Paper for my Creative Writing class and I’m hoping that this will get the juices flowing. (An Occasional Paper is a paper written on occasion. It can be about anything and written at any time. The only deadline is before the end of the quarter. Also, you have to read it aloud to the class. I might post a few of mine up here…)

Remember that letter in my last post? I was thinking of writing one to actually send to that person. One that’s a little less… dramatic? I’m not going to lie, it’s a tad bit embellished, but as my Editor-In-Chief and friend always says, “Life was boring, so I embellished.” Haha. Sara is so awesome. I was super glad when our Creative Writing teacher announced that she was going to be the editor for the school’s literary magazine this year…

But anyway… Back to that letter. I was thinking of writing one to that person, to finally get it all out of my system… But I think that I’m scared of how she’ll react. I sort of just want to say something like, “I’m tired of pretending that we don’t have a history, but I also don’t want to go back to that. I want to be friends, but I don’t ever want anything like that to happen again. And you better be darn nice or I’m gonna crack your skull.”
Okay… So maybe without the skull cracking.
I just… feel bad for her…
Cutting her out of my life…
I’m happier now, but I’ve always just wanted everyone to be happy… why can’t there be some sort of happy compromise?

Not to mention I think that she’s been twisting the truth when she tells people. Sure, I made my share of mistakes, but so did she. Why does she get the right to make herself the victim when she brought it all on herself?
I’m not really the victim, either.
There doesn’t really need to be a victim, I think. We just need to move on. It happened, and life keeps going.

I think mostly I’m trying to get my thoughts together. They never make much sense in my mind. It jumps around so crazily and I never know how I get from one thing to another.

Anyway. I’m going to add a little happiness note:
Today I finally put up all the stars that my friends signed for me on my birthday. I can’t thank Kelsey enough for her thoughtfulness in getting everyone to sign them for me. They add a lot of color to my closet doors next to my signed Meg & Dia posters and the little things that my friends have drawn for me over the years. I love it, it looks super busy but I find it sort of relaxing. It makes me smile every time I look over. It’s like… These people care for me, and whenever I’m in my room, I can be reminded of that. Reminded that people care. That’s always nice.

That’s pretty much it for now. I’m going to take pictures of my closet doors soon so I can share the awesomeness of my Friend Constellation with the world, but my cards are full with my cousin’s wedding pictures. :P

I feel like thanking you, so I shall!
Thank ye,
Alyce

Listening To:

Jai Ho (You Are My Destiny)
Slumdog Millionaire

An Occasional Rant - The Letter I Will Never Send

This is my negative rant. I frown upon negativity, but I simply feel the need to be negative tonight. So feel free to not read this if you'd rather keep my negativity and whining out of your life.
The following is a letter that I will never send. Me being brutally honest and maybe even... embellishing a bit.
Dear Paris McFargle, (fake name for personal reasons)
After all this time, you've still managed to convince yourself that you are the victim.
I wasted three years of my life trying to save you while you did nothing but push me down.
I cared about you. I didn't want to tear you out of my life. I didn't want to have to forget all of the great memories. More bad than good, it seems now, but that doesn't change the fact that there were still some good ones.
You like to blame me and the people I care about, the people that are helping me recover from all the damage that you caused. How can you really believe that you are the victim in all of this?
I really have heard it all.
I cringe when you make sudden movements. I'm afraid to speak when you're around. I feel sick and pathetic when you are around. I am waiting for another blow. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually. Crack. Crack. Crack.
My life is a constellation. At one point, you were a star. I loved you just as I loved the others, but you turned into a black hole. You turned into a black hole and insisted on taking away all the rest of the light.
You're still there. The other stars shine ever brighter than they did before, but there you are up in the sky above me... Trying to soak away all of the light.
Just give up. It's too much. Too much light for you to handle.
I won’t let you bring me down again. I’m different now, better. Selfish.

I am the Heart. Do you hear me? I am compassion. I am understanding. I am like a knife. I am a cannon and I will shoot you down if you even dare to try it again. I will cut the last part of you out of my life if you even dare mutter another lie about my best friends.

I wish that I could move on. I wish that you could too. I hate that I care so much, but also at the same time… I hate that I care so little. I hate how easy it was to push you away in the beginning, and I hate that it got harder as time went on.
But I am stronger than you’ll ever be.
I am a much greater person that I’ve ever been.

Don’t ever touch me again. The next bruise won’t be so hidden. I won’t refrain anymore from fighting back.

So go on. Hit me. See if you can get away with it.

I’m not to be taken advantage of. I am not to be trifled with.

But I am happy, and I thank you. Because if you hadn’t done what you did… I wouldn’t be the person that I am today. I wouldn’t have the amazing friends that I have now. Chances are that someone else would’ve tried doing the same thing.

So thanks, for being a selfish bitch.

If you need something, I am here for you.
Alyce

My Life is Average

Yesterday, someone told me that she got into USU and I promptly told her that it is Open Enrollment. She did not approve. MLIA

Valentine’s Day

I’ve decided that most holidays are what you make of them.

Most people either love or hate Valentine’s Day, but I don’t think that I’ve ever really minded it too much.

My mom used to ring our doorbell and run away. I’d go to the door and sitting on the doorstep would be a small package with my name on it. Usually it was a CD or something, but I always knew that it was from her.

It’s hard to hate a holiday where you get free stuff.

Not to mention the fact that since the beginning of high school, I’ve started passing out chocolate to strangers in the hallways…
I just enjoy making people happy… So I like giving random people presents.

I didn’t used to enjoy Thanksgiving too much…
But I like food…
And sometimes Christmas wasn’t too fun…
But White Elephant makes everything better. :P

Don’t let it get to you.
Maybe you’re alone for Valentine’s Day, but… At least all those people that have somebody are happy… So you should be happy for those people.
As for me, I prefer to think of Valentine’s Day as my excuse to steal chocolate from my friends.
And it’ll stay like that for the rest of my life.
But at least I will always have chocolate.

Alyce

Currently Watching:

Kodocha: Season 1 Box Set :)

Selflessness is a Mistake

Sometimes you hurt more people by being selfless than by being selfish.

This thought came to me today. It’s hard to do what you think is right when it hurts yourself… and a lot of other people in the process. I’ve come to realize that this summer I became a much better person and this is because… I am a little more selfish. Funny. I had never thought that actually caring about myself could make so many people happy.

Because when you let someone take advantage of you, you’re really hurting all of the people that really care about you.

I make people smile all the time now.

On Friday someone said to me, “Every time I see you, I smile. You’ve made my day twice today…”

It makes me feel good. It makes me feel like I’m doing what I’m actually meant to do. Because my job is to make people happy.

I am the Seventeenth Star, after all.

So in the words of Dia Frampton “Make a resume… all the things that make up who you are.”

So make a list of all the reasons why it’s okay for you to be a little selfish.

Why you should love you.

Why other people should love you.

(Link To Dia's Blog!)

Here’s the beginnings of my list:

• I love to make people smile.
• I have pretty good grammar.
• I’m a decent writer.
• I have good taste in music.
• I have a lot of friends.
• I am eccentric.
• I write this to try and make my reader’s happy, to make me happy. I am being selflessly selfish and THAT makes me awesome.

Make your list! Love thyself! But don’t forget your friends and family, too. Hehe.

 

Until we meet again under the blue moon,

Alyce

As The World Spins

This title is funny to me because I'm sick.
Every time I stand up, everything spins.

I finally got bored of just lying in bed and decided to try some writing. I have to write something for my school's literary magazine because I'm on the staff so I figured that I could write something pretty good while I'm still delirious. By the way... I'm the prose editor of the school's lit mag. I was super excited when I found out. I think that I was the only person who celebrated when they found out what job they got. Everyone else was very quiet, but I forced my friend Ethan to celebrate with me in the back of the classroom. He was really too distracted by this contest thing that he was working on to really care, but I still enjoyed my little party.

Anyway, so after I write this I'll try to write something for the magazine... I'm not really sure what I'll write at this point, but that's why I'm typing this blog. To get the juices flowing.

But it's sort of hard to think when I'm this hungry...

I have photoshop and a new laptop. This means that I can once again pick up photography. I couldn't really before because my computer had far too much stuff on it so it wouldn't let me edit photos... But now that I have the laptop and PhotoShop CS4... Muahahaha. I'm excited. I wanted to go downtown this weekend to take pictures. We'll see how that works out.

Can I just express how awesome this year has been? I mean my senior year, not exactly 2010... Well, 2010 has been better, too. I love all of my classes, my friends, I'm even happy with my family. It's been decided that Junior year just suuuucks. Everyone I talked to hated their Junior year of high school. Except for my mom, she enjoyed all of high school.

My ipod has pretty much officially died. I can listen to it at night and early in the morning, but by lunch time when I go to the grocery store to get chicken, it freezes and stops working. I restart it and it still helps nothing. This makes me very sad considering that my computer just bit the dust and now my ipod has. My mom is letting me use my dad's, though. I was really getting sick of listening to the Veronica Mars soundtrack... It's the only CD that I keep in my car and I refuse to listen to the radio.

Something else random... I was on the cover of the last issue of our school's newspaper and this time I have an article on the inside... I'm not even on staff. Haha. I had no idea that I was going to be in the newspaper. It's an article on itunes, digital music, and the death of CDs. I wrote it for my Government class as a letter to the editor of the Salt Lake Tribune... Next thing I knew, it was in our school's newspaper. Too bad they spelled my name wrong. :P

I don't know if I've ever talked about Christina before, but we were best friends through elementary school and through Middle School. She went to a private school in eighth grade and... I sort of lost her. Not just her, but her family too. Her little brothers and sisters were a lot like my own siblings. And after she went to that other school, she made a few bad decisions and I didn't see much of any of them...
I saw her a few times...
In and out of rehab...
With this boyfriend, with that one...
She even went to my high school for awhile...
Which was hard for me...
I cried a lot.

She was always worth so much more than she made herself out to be.
I surround myself with talented people because I am not talented.
I'm just good at being a friend, I suppose.
And writing. I guess that I'm good at writing.

Christy finally moved back with her family recently. I saw her for the first time in a good while yesterday and... It was very nice. It like like elementary school all over again. I had my best friend back, even her family. I visited her family and they all seemed really happy to see me... I was really happy to see her brothers and sisters. They've grown. It was weird. I'm happy that they all remembered me. Jacob still hadn't changed. Zach was taller, but he was just the same too. Misty is... making things hard on herself, but she seems to be fine. Courtney is just as I remembered her, but she was wearing much less purple. And Brandy was as quiet as ever, but still as sweet.
Her parents were the same too. Her dad was on the computer playing some game. He was always a computer wiz. And her mom was watching some millionaire version of the bachelor. Which made me laugh. It was nice to see everything functioning... It was a little quiet now that the kids are older, but nothing had really changed that much.
I was happy that I cried on the way home.
I had my best friend back.

Of course, I still have Rachel and Lulu. They're my best friends too. I hope that maybe the four of us can all do stuff together.

I finished Mass Effect 2. I kept everyone alive. I am awesome. And so is the game.

I really think that that's all... I went to see a Sundance movie... Homewrecker. It was really funny. I liked it.
I also saw Sherlock Holmes. Awesome.

Heheh.

Until we meet again under the blue moon,
Alyce


Oh, and. The Stars. On my birthday. It was one of the best days ever. My friend Kelsey had a bunch of people sign their names on little colored paper stars and she put them in an envelope and that said, "Alyce's Constellation" on it... When she handed it to me in front of my theatre class, I just about cried. I felt myself tearing up and had to try REALLY hard not to cry. Best birthday present I've ever gotten.

So thank you everyone. Thank you.

Especially Kelsey. :P