Only Fooling Myself

Current Mood: Fading

Wow. I was all expecting things to get better, but they only got worse. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't concentrate on school at all and it seems like the world wants me to spend all my time by myself... Well. That was the beginning of last week and all of last week, as for right now things are a little bit better, and the high from Bingham Ball has kept me going... So... Yes.

Like homework and cleaning my room. These things need some SERIOUS attention. XD

What else to say? My family is having a small Thanksgiving this year. Just my Grams from my mom's side, my mom, my dad, and my brother. That's it. I can't even express how happy I am about this. The last few years my dads side of the family has come over, and none of them like me... So this is a thousand times better. I still have to go to my aunt's house for a few hours after dinner, but I can deal with a short bit of torture. :)

Christmas is coming up so I'm pretty ecstatic. My mom's side of the family comes over on Christmas Eve and it's always a ton of fun and hyperness that I really enjoy. They're all older than me, but somehow I deal with that better than my somewhat immature cousins on my dad's side. I also have second cousins on my moms side that are still toddlers and hence very much fun to play with. :D

I'm happy that I don't sound very depressing this time, must be a good sign. :P

I've been really sick. I get these random stomach aches out of nowhere that make me want to explode and implode all at once. They hurt like hell, but in between them I feel perfectly fine. It's strange. I wish that I could go to a doctor, but as of right now we don't have health insurance... Stupid economy and job losses.

Hot N Cold is pretty funny. I love Katy Perry. She's hilarious. You either love her or hate her, there's really no gray area there.

School Musical = So much cooler than High School Musical. Better acting AND voices.

Maybe if I had magical powers... Not that she does... But maybe she does... Does she? Wow. I do sound insane.

Now I'm just rambling. I'm never able to just stick to one subject. Darn. I do the same things in my journals for English... At least my teacher doesn't read them.

Anyway...

Buh-bye for now.

Until We Meet Again Under The Blue Moon,
Alyce

Currently Listening To:
Only Fooling Myself - Kate Voegele

A Creature

Note: This was written quite some time ago. Due to technical issues it failed to post. So... here it is now. :P

Current Mood: Conflicted

Okay.
A heart to heart here, yes?
Not that anyone besides Rachel is paying much attention, but that makes things easier. Haha.

I'm only human. Sometimes everyone expects me to do more.
It snowed today. I didn't admit it to anyone, but I rather enjoyed it. Snow washes everything away. A new beginning is what we all need.

I wrote a poem and showed it to a few of my friends... It was my scream for help... No one really realized it. I just wanted somebody to ask, "Hey, Alyce. Are you okay?"
BTW, Rachel, not you. You've been amazingly nice lately. Again, thank you. And good luck with trying harder. I think that I might try a little bit harder too.

Here's my poem.

A Creature

Step, left.
Hello.
Step, right.
How’re you?
Step, smile.
A small creature goes through the motions
A small creature that is broken.
Step, nod.
Still, pause.
Stand, listen.
A creature cries
She’s lost
She longs to love
“All I can be is me.” She whispers.
Strangers pass by, weary.
Always weary.
She longs to be loved.
Step, shake.
Step, turn.
Sit, stand.
How can someone love something that can’t be found?
A creature, still.
A creature, always.
A creature lost and a creature broken.
“All I can be is me!” She shouts.
Still unheard.
A terribly beautiful creature.
A beautifully terrible girl.
Step, smile.
Step, laugh.
Hollow and Hidden.
“All I can be is me!”
She screams at her strangers.
“Which just happens to be an act.”
Sit.
Stand.
Wave.
Good-bye.
Turn, walk away.
An indifferent creature.
An indifferent girl.

By: Alyce Shayne Heart
A.S.H.


There it is... And yes, I do see myself as the Creature, as the Girl. Maybe not with quite as many issues, I exaggerated a bit, but I feel like there's a lot of people who go through these types of emotions. I had to write about it.

Anyway...
My mom will realize that I've been on the computer for ever and get mad, so I must "Go to Bed." Haha. I spend a lot of time just sitting there. Maybe I should count sheep! I love sheep! They're so cute and so fluffy! Um. Yeah. Lol.

Sometime I WILL review something. I must. :P

Until We Meet Again Under The Blue Moon,
Alyce

Currently Listening To:
I'd Rather Be In Love - Michelle Branch

Thanks

Current Mood: Indifferent

This one goes out to Rachel who obviously read my last post and realized that I was having kind of a hard time.
THANKS A TON! I FRIGGIN LOVE YOU! ^^ It's good to have friends who care!

You too, Rachael. :P

Where to begin... Where to begin.

So I finally asked my friend David to Bingham Ball and he said yes! I honestly think that he's more excited than I am. Hehe.

I think that I'm finally over the whole, um... AT thing. Killing him wouldn't help anything. He's semi-forgiven. All this because he smiled at me and actually said something when I spoke to him. (Ha. Ha.) I just hope that he'll learn from this and not do something like it again. Besides, I have better things to waste my energy on than giving him the stink eye.

I've been sick recently and my mood keeps going up and down, like I'm bipolar or something. Somehow it seems like when I just sit around and do nothing is when I'm the most secure, so I haven't really been out much. I just need to relax for awhile, I'm sick of drama. Ha. I sound so... Prep or something. Oh, well. I honestly don't care that much. I'm trying really hard to just concentrate on one subject for awhile... I'm feeling my mind jump from place to place.

Now right here for the whole world to see...

I've been hooked on Fable II! It's FANTASTIC! I can't even begin to tell you about it...

Anyway...
I'm in writing mode.
I must right.

Currently Listening To:
Footsteps

Masterpiece

I am no masterpiece at all.

I'm in kind of an odd state of emotion right now.
I'm stranded somewhere between depression, excitement, resentment, vengeance, nervousness, and indifference. It's strange, being able to feel so many different things at once, not being able to choose any one way to feel. There was a time when I was able to control my emotions, keep them in check, but not anymore. I'm just about as stable as our economy. (Heh, heh. Political joke.) Sometimes it takes everything I have not to just throw up my hands and scream, "Screw the world!" and go on a killing spree... Well, maybe I'd kill just one person, but somehow, as sad as it is, my life would be a lot easier without him.

Too bad I held on, when you tried to tell me this was wrong... Well, is this wrong?

I'm worried about Val, well... Really, I worry about her all the time. I'm just quite the little worry wart.

I can't even try to... remember what I knew, before I became your model to claim. No.

We've been talking about Transcendentalism in my english class and it's gotten me to thinking a bit, and I'm going to write my own way of life. (Hehe.) My own Creed. Hmm.
I decided #1 on my way to lunch today. "Make people wonder, they need the exercise."
Transcendentalism is a great thing, it's similar to the way I live now, have always lived. Funny, how things work out that way. What way? I have no idea, I just felt like saying that.

Seems as if everyone has somebody to be with but me... Maybe this sort of loneliness is what I live for. I have to be free to help everyone else. I like helping others. I do.

You're my best friend, she says. You're a horrible friend, she says. You love too easily, she says. You don't love me, she says. I'm over him. He's all I think about. He's an idiot. He's the most amazing person I've ever met. We have so much to laugh about. We have nothing in common. I forgot to tell you. You forgot what I said. I love you. I hate you. Friends forever. Not anymore.

Tell me, what is there that's worth living for? I live for you. I live for life, laughter... Love.
How can you live if the one person you care most for in the world says that you'll never be loved? Sometimes I think that I'll always love others, but not be loved in return. It's a relief when someone cares enough to even say hi... to give me a hug... to give me a compliment, no matter how small.
Is anyone even listening? I'm beginning to wonder.

I've told you everything, but you haven't heard it. The sun is there, but do we see it?

Take a glance, feel a shiver, move on. Life is selfishness. Life is always moving forward, never taking in the sights, not remembering the past for what it is.

I finally know what wrong is.

Oh. What would it feel like to smile without regretting what comes next? I'm always afraid. Always stepping carefully. One wrong movement could set off a bomb... It's happened before.

I write to feel. I write to live what I'll never really know. I am words, making up a story, a story with no ending, just a stop.

I'm making my class ring. It actually looks pretty nice. The sum should come up to a little less than four hundred... It's an expensive memory. Who knew that time would bring us to a place in our lives where we have to pay for our memories? Huh. I sound emo.

Cutting is for losers who have nothing better to do with their time and need attention.

My scars have yet to heal.
One step at a time. Letting go, holding on. It depends on how you phrase it. Texting is overrated. Dumping someone over text is a horrible thing to do... Not that it's ever happened to me. I've never even had an actual boyfriend, but that's a good thing. I doubt that I could handle it.

Step, smile. Step, smile. Laugh. Pose. Act. Move left. Right. Speak. Silence.

I am who I am, which just happens to be an act.

Now I finally know that you bleed for nothing.

I actually think like this. Random as it is. I'm just typing as it comes. I had to write a monologue for my theatre class last year, and something that my teacher said was that a lot of the time we don't think in full sentences, and some of the things that go through our heads only make sense to us... She was right.

Sometimes, after I finish a book, I think like a novel. It's during this time that I write the best.

The ocean is wide, [Insert Cheesy Quote Here.]

If you look close enough you can hear my screams as you walk away.

Emonessssssssssssssss. I want to stop sounding emo.

Something nice...
Something nice...

I'm asking a friend to Bingham Ball, I wonder if he'll say yes... Fingers crossed!

Today I wandered through the woods. They were dark, cold... Just like your heart.

Ohhhhhhhh. Buuuuuuurn.

Ur So Gay! Haha. That one's for you Val.

Anyway. My dad is behind me, not paying attention, but still...

Until we meet again under the blue moon,
Alyce

Currently Listening To:
Masterpiece - Meg & Dia

Rachel

Current Mood: Blase

I met Rachel through Rachael and I haven't known her for as long as I've known Rachael, but long enough to know what kind of person she is. (Yes, everyone I know is in fact named Rachel. :P )
Rachel may seem odd at first, and to tell the truth I was a little frightened of her when we first met, but really she's different in a good way. You'll never find another person like her no matter how hard you look. She enjoys listening to obscure bands and singers, wearing crazy clothes, cackling at Rachael's neighbors on Halloween, and writing about characters that stalk their neighbors with cameras... (Resemblance, maybe?) She's amazing at everything she does, just like most of my friends, and enjoys doing just about everything. With an interest in fashion that includes reading Vogue and chatting to me about what Audrey Hepburn would have worn, she also has an avid interest in photography, writing, drawing, acting, singing, and surprising her friends on a daily basis.
Rachel has shown a love for comics as long as I've known her and her love of Iron Man, The Joker, Batman, and Wolverine, came as no surprise to me as this year came along.

Rachel is the type of person who despite being one of the best, always encourages you to try everything. She's inspirational, brilliant, and friendly. If you ever get a chance to meet her, you better jump at it because there's no doubt in my mind that it'll be worth your while.

Things Related to our Friendship:
Kingdom Hearts, Charmed, Resident Evil, Leon Scott Kennedy, Writing, the word "Friction", Meg & Dia, Classic Skating, Jeff, Sultry, Apples To Apples, Candles, DDR, Konichiwa Bitches, "The Book", Monster, Trees, Dawnie, Tech, Sophie, Final Fantasy, Window Washing, The Joker, Roleplaying, Reno, Audrey Hepburn, Theatre, Auditions, Chalk The Walk, Dungeons And Dragons, ... And much, much more.

Until We Meet Again Under the Blue Moon,
Alyce

My Dedicated Song:
Angry Johnny - Poe



Things change, but life goes on.
We don't want to believe that we'll lose
the ones we love
the ones who make us...
us.
Don't ever forget
Don't ever think that you aren't loved
Because no matter how far you travel
How fuzzy things get
We'll always be here in you.
We'll always love you.

Friends Forever.

Thanks, Rachel!


Note: I know that Angry Johnny as my choice is a little confusing, but it has to do with some stuff that happened in Tech in the Ninth Grade with some very afraid eighth graders.... Hehehe.

Rachael

Current Mood: Dizzy

I've known Rachael for only a few years, but we became fast friends. Becoming friends with her kind of set off this whole new era of my life that I've just now entitled "The Opened Eye, Creative Times." Without Rachael I wouldn't be the person that I am today. I've changed a lot since I've known her, and in good ways. She's one of those people that just makes you want to be better, and now... I am better.

Rachael has had quite a difficult life, things that I have no right to discuss with anyone besides her. I believe that it's because of these things that she's so sensitive to those around her. When you have a problem, she usually knows just what to say to put things into perspective.

Rachael has many talents including; Writing, Drawing, Painting, Photography, and Guitar Playin'. She succeeds at just about everything she does with such unbelievable grace that most of the time I can't help but feel a little envious.

Things Related to our Friendship:
Hearts, Resident Evil, Leon Scott Kennedy, Writing, the word "Friction", Meg & Dia, The Veronicas, Rockband, Bioshock, Condemned, Classic Skating, Silent Hill, Sultry, Apples To Apples, The Office, Friends, Kathy Griffin, Candles, DDR, Pepsi, Konichiwa Bitches, Writing, "The Book", Hook Me Up, Monster, Trees, Dawnie, Tech, Sophie, Tucker, Play N Trade... And much, much more.

Until We Meet Again Under the Blue Moon,
Alyce

My Dedicated Song:
There For You - Flyleaf




Don't ever forget what we live for.
Don't ever forget who makes you, you.
Your friends reflect who you are and what you stand for.
Your past, your future, your dreams, and all your love.
I'll never forget this feeling.
And I'll never let it go.
Someday I hope to return all you've given me, with three times as much love.

I live for you,
I live from you,
I am you.

Friends Forever.

Thanks, Rachael.

Hurt Me

Current Mood: Exhausted

I went to my old friend Melissa's house today... Strange how she can always make me feel better. I was really happy with things until her friend Rily came over. I had never met Rily until then and it made me feel awkward. I didn't mind her, I was just a bit quieter after she came. I did like her a bit, so it's not that I didn't like her... I'm just a bit shy.

After I got home at about six thirty I chased Tucker, my Cairn Terrier, around the neighborhood for about a half an hour. Now I'm tired, dehydrated, and my legs feel heavy. The interesting thing about chasing him was that only three people tried to help me, and I saw about thirty or so people. (I went pretty far, chasing him down.) The first person who helped me I recognized as Melissa's friend's Rebecca's dad. I only knew that it was him because he was walking Rebecca's dog. It's way cute! It's some sort of chihuaua mix and they got it not long after I got Tuckie. The other two people who tried to help me only did so because I was in their yard... and they had dogs... or children... Otherwise I could bet that they would have ignored me. But what really bothered me was that Tucker would run straight up to people and jump on them (He's very small) and they'd just stand there and look at him! WTF?! Why didn't they try to grab him?! Crazies! I'm, like, near tears because I'm so exhausted and I'm yelling his name and they just stand there going "Aww, what a cute doggy!" ... ANYWAY!

Now that I've ranted about that...

I've decided to start a blog series on each of my friends. A little dedication, with my "Currently Listening To" being a song dedicated to them. It'll also help me with my sort story that I'm writing about them...

It might take me awhile to get the first few up, as I want them to be as close to perfect as I can get. I'll try to see if I can include pictures and all of that good stuff.

Another thing that I'd like to do is my "Must" corner. Just information on must-sees, must-reads, and the like.

Also included... My ratings, reviews, and rants on books, artists, songs, TV shows, games, and movies.

Then just my general life.

I want these blogs to be my best yet, so you're in for quite a bumpy ride. Hehe.

Until We Meet Again Under the Blue Moon,
A.S.H.

Currently Listening To:
Hurt Me - Kerli